At the Library

Well Todd is in a lesson right now so I stopped by the library to hang out. The problem is I have $11 in late fees so I can’t check out any books until I apply a payment to the account. I really need something to read for next week when I fly. *sigh*

I’m in the weirdest mood. It’s a kind of bitchy mood and I’m not sure why. I do think though that one of the things to do with it is that Jenni is having a baby…and well I’m jealous  of it. The reason I’m jealous of it, is because it’s my “thing” something I’m aspiring to. I want to be a mom so badly, and I’m not sure why, everyone says I’m young, which maybe true, but my boyfriend is not. I don’t want him JUST having a baby when he’s 40. It has to be before then. I want a baby badly I want my own family. I guess I’m slightly unhappy. I think I’m unhappy because of our money situation at the moment really sucks. I need to work more, but once school starts I may have to cut back! I hate it. I hate having to work, but I do understand the need to do so. I just want to figure out what exactly I’m going to school for, because I really don’t have a clue, and yet it’s only my 2nd semester in college I’d like to know what I’m striving toward. I want to do something I’ll like or even love. I was thinking of going to be a psycologist, but I’m not sure if that’s something I really want to do. I think I’m more opinionated then anything, but my friends have more often then not come to me for advice that they couldn’t talk to their parents about or things they think their parents might not know. But I’m not sure I completely would love the job. I want to have the capabilitry to go to work when I need to/want to. I’d love to be a SAHM (Stay at home mom). It’s something I long to do. I am so prepared in knowing hopefully what to do for a baby but I’m not mentally, or financially ready to have one, and that’s my down fall. So my goals are to get a job with financial security, and then have a kid. But people say you’ll never be financially ready for a child. But I want to be able to provide for my children. I want them to be able to go to camp, or get a tutor if they need it, and not rely on whether or not mommy’s paycheck can cover the costs of that in addition to the bills. My grandma wants me to be a nurse, but there are so many things you need to remember, and so many names of things I just can’t pronounce. Would you want a nurse working with you if they couldn’t pronounce your problem? I wouldn’t. Less I could tell they had a speech problem or something. I just don’t know what I want to do. I want that job that can’t be outsourced. Because what I really wanted to do, was be a web disigner, but sadly once I get out of college my job will go to India, or Sinapore, or Japan. Places with people who have more edu, and possibly will work for less? I mean why would someone out source a job if they’d have to pay more? Isn’t that what the game’s all about??

I just don’t know. And I hate the fact that even my best friend thinks I complain and bitch too much. I’m not exactly a bitch, I mean some times I do it intentionally, but other times I think there is something wrong with me. I just don’t understand why I can’t be like a “normal” person and not care what that car next to me is doing, or how my boyfriend doesn’t do the things I want right away. I don’t like how I’m acting and yet when I catch myself doing it, I do try and stop but it never seems to last. It’s like I can’t control this impulse to control….which is weird when you say it like that. I have this need to control that can’t be controlled….0.o? Quite strange. I’ve been in councelling and none of that seemed to help. I was thinking of going to an anger management class but I’m not sure if you have to pay, because I don’t have money, and I’m not sure it’s an anger problem.
I mean how am I supposed to figure this out??? Gah.
I’m only angry when things aren’t done the way I want it, how I want it, when I want it etc. So you can imagine whats it’s like to live with someone like me. Some control freak. I mean I do admit I’m not extremely bad as some of the other control people I’ve seen, but it could get worse and I don’t want it to.  I just have no idea.

Oh and I’m annoyed with living in the place I do. but I’ll save that for another post. Unless you guys ask.

I just can’t believe I’m jealous of my best friend. I think one of the other things I’m jealous of is the support and love she’s recieving from her family. They don’t care she’s young (she’ll be 20 in July) they don’t care she’s not legally married they know she’s happy and accept that. However I don’t think that would be the same for my family. I think my family would not be happy about it. I think they’d pressure me into knowing my financial status if I can afford the things I need. They disagree if I had to get state assistance, they wouldn’t care that I’m happy. And I think it would stress me out to no end. I do think though Todd’s family would be accepting and loving no matter what. His younger brothers’ girlfriend is prengnant right now, they are not married and as far as I know haven’t been dating for too long. But his mom is happy. It’ll be her first grandchild. She’d prolly give a lecture, but that’s fine she wouldn’t mean it in a condicending way I know my family would. I think no matter how old I’d be I’d be afriad to tell my family. I’d probably tell them around when I started to show to be honest. I mean who knows that’s something I’ve wanted for a while, and I might not be able NOT to tell them because of excitement, but when I told everyone that Jenni is pregnant I got the “Well don’t you go and get pregnant” like just because she is I’m going to, which was the initial plan, but it wasn’t for like 5 years. Theirs just happened. I want a child badly, but like I said I want to have some financial stability. Be able to save and such. And at the moment with the place I live it isn’t possible.

*sigh*

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2 Responses to “At the Library”

  1. steff:) Says:

    hey no worries, I mean your efforts to be financially safe and sound now would really pay off when you start your own family. sure, it is great to have support from your boyfriend’s family, if your family doesn’t really support you. at least someone is supporting you =)


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